What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize