btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
