people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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