overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
