I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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