If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
