cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My dick has a subreddit
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
