She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
