So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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