Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
