Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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