I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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