We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Did you just see the Batmobile???
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
