Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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