I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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