I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
