Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
