This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
