Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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