we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
