Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
