I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
