What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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