My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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