Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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