she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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