Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
