He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
