Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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