So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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