4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
