Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
