Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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