Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize
