there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
