i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
