You made me cry and you don't even care
youre lurking in front of me
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
