Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he told me I talked like a deaf person
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
