there was a trapeze. enough said
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
