What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
