$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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