He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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