***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
