One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
