The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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