i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize