my phone needs a breathalizer
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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