I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize