took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
