Only a mothe r could love this liver
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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