you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
