I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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