im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
