Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize