please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
