I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
