I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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