Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
