are you so shy because you have an std?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
