I feel like I'm in dance class right now
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I love you. Go after that dick
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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