I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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