i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
